Five things I learned from watching The Geek: Yeti porn can be educational.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-20h41m21s63

Just when you have seen it all something else rolls out of the wood work to smack you in the eye with a ‘no you haven’t- check THIS out!’ And so it was that I found myself one afternoon perusing this little offering of filthy sleaze with an extra dose of what the hell? Yes ladies and gentleman if you thought those zombie/gore porns were weird check this out The Geek (1973); ok this doesn’t really qualify as hardcore to compare completely with stuff like Porn of the Dead, but it’s as irrelevant so that’s good enough for me.

The film comes in the format of fake documentary style, with an associated National Geographic narration, and at a meagre three quarters of an hour running time can be firmly split into three distinctive equal parts; people ambling around the countryside aimlessly, people having sex, Bigfoot having sex with said people’s girlfriends. I say Bigfoot but in the universe of The Geek that constitutes someone in brown trousers (you can clearly see the bottoms) brown shoes, an awful wig, 70’s pimp fur coat and a weird mask.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-20h41m44s31

This feature has only two people to its credits, no mention of a director, or whose rancid idea it was to make something like this; I suspect drugs could have been involved in the assembling of the script (if there was one) and I would be interested to know what drugs they were on, I am going with maybe something like LSD or another substance which was mind altering enough to tell the makers this was a good idea. But whatever the circumstances the most mind bending element in all this is they actually convinced some ‘actors’ to get naked and appear in it. You can just imagine the pitch ‘hey guys so one of you dresses up as a yeti, don’t worry you won’t be recognised you will have a mint costume, and then ummm if the rest of you could strip off, play around a bit, y’know hump a bit and then yeti guy just come in at the end and bone a couple of the girls’… and then the ‘actors’ went ‘oh wow yes we would love to do this, set my agent up with the details’. All I can say is the 70’s was a very strange time, and I am very glad sometimes that I spent the first 4 years of it blissfully unaware as I hadn’t been created, and then the other 6 too busy with my Sindy dolls to realise it was a scary world out there.

So there you have it, but and this is a very, very big but, for all its nonsense and ugly 70’s porn people, lack of script and stupid ideas, I really did enjoy The Geek much more than I should have. I literally snorted with laughter throughout the short running time, and then had to go back just to have another look. This is the reason for my post today because I think we can all learn a lot from films like The Geek, and I have set up some of the amazing insights I gathered from it in the hope that I inspire you all to watch it too…

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-20h39m52s195

1/ Being fugly doesn’t necessarily mean you will spend all your life not getting laid.

If this film testifies to anything it is this message, looks do not count when it comes to getting it on. In fact in the universe of The Geek, anyone can get a hump, even the wildlife. The especially hairy guys get a LOT of action, and the girls seem quite impressed with their sweaty hairy buttocks. The girls in their defence may be taken in by all the testosterone pheromone coming from the men’s moustaches though (this may indeed be the secret guys, take note, grow a huge pornstache and those dry spells will be a thing of the past).

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-20h40m08s77

2/ In the 70’s women’s vaginas were sometimes on their thighs.

Now this was an amazingly interesting one for me, because being a woman I am very interested in knowing about the evolution of my species. It would seem here that when the men and ladies go for gold in this film, before we get to see the obvious limp dick dry humping, the man pays special attention to his girl by giving her some sort of oral sex (I assume this from the dreamy look of pleasure on the girl’s face and moaning which occurs during this time. There is plenty of opportunity to study it because the camera makes sure to focus in on this facial expression the whole time). But if you take a careful look at the head placement of the guy in question you can notice his tongue must be reaching for somewhere in the region of the lower inner thigh, meaning girl’s vaginas in the 70’s could move position. We see before preparing to receive an inch of flaccid penis the vaginas move back to the position we associate them with in the present day. This made me a little sad that women’s vaginas can no longer move about like they did back in the day, but it was fascinating to learn all the same because people just don’t talk about this stuff enough.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-20h39m41s67

3/ Saying to a guy ‘it’s so hard, I just want to touch it’ is not a compliment.

Another lesson learned from The Geek, a film which has proved to be a wealth of information on sexual coupling and indeed the anatomy. We see this from an early scene when a girl says just this to a guy ‘it’s so hard, I just want to touch it!’ because he must get quite offended at being told that from his physical reaction. I always thought men liked to be flattered about their man parts but I was so wrong, the proof of this is when she rolls it out from his pants it’s not very hard at all. Nope and no amount of tugging does much about it either, see mood ruined. Lesson here ladies keep your mouths shut, guys obviously do not like hearing such filth.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-20h41m37s220

4/ There’s only one thing that can save you from a potential attack from Bigfoot, send out your girlfriend.

We learn from The Geek that actually Bigfoot is probably a bit angry because he just needs love too, and all this cavorting going on in the countryside where he resides is just adding to his sexual frustration levels. So when presented with a Bigfoot attack think on your feet and send your girlfriend in, he will be whipping her knickers off in no time and giving her a bit of a doggy session to quell his inner rage. Another useful point, as noted in this film, don’t forget to ask your girlfriend if she is alright when she comes back from her session with Bigfoot as it’s a nice touch, one she will appreciate and will indicate to her how much you care. She will realise it’s all in a good cause once the soreness wears off.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-20h42m19s121

5/ Bigfoot is not as virile as you would expect.

You would think Bigfoot would be a beast of a lover, and the fact that so little is known about him makes films like The Geek wonderful sources of information. We see here that after girl number one his rage levels have not quite subsided, and he may be ready to attack again. In these cases throw in another girl, someone else’s girlfriend, tell her not to worry though as he won’t last the duration and will just fall asleep and flop off about halfway through. At this point you should all be free to go off home on your merry way.

 

 

 

Advertisements


Categories: Articles, Exploitation

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: